by Garet Bedrosian, LCSW, CIRT, CBT, CET
How about Goldilocks? (or Goldlocks if you prefer something more masculine)
Remember the story? Goldilocks goes skipping off into the forest and comes upon the home of the three bears. No one is home but she goes in anyway and…you know the rest.
I do not want to say she is high maintenance but she is not easily satisfied. First the porridge is too hot then it is too cold, then the chair is too big or too small, then the bed is too hard or too soft. Then just when she thinks it is just right the family that owns this quaint little cottage come home to reclaim it. She then has to run into the dark woods by herself and who knows what happens to her next.
Ok, so maybe that is not the exact version you remember. My point is, as Roseanne Roseannadanna says, “It’s always something!”
If you are involved in the world of dating and relationships then you understand what I mean. I am sure at least some of you have lived out the Goldilocks scenario. One guy is too flaky and the other is too controlling. One woman is too needy and the other is too bitchy. One person wants a commitment and the other wants casual.
Finding someone who is ‘just the right’ fit is like searching a whole kingdom to find the woman who for some reason, when the clock struck twelve ran out of the ball and lost her shoe. It takes persistence.
So, since one cannot go door to door in search of the perfect fit then, one might wonder, what, oh what can I do besides wish upon a star that one day I will find my true love? Glad you asked! Think of me as a sort of Fairy Godmother for a moment and through Fairy Tale metaphors allow me to offer some guidance.
* You have had the answer all along… Dorothy. Corny but true. You cannot go searching for someone else to fill the emptiness. You must be at home with yourself first. If you are hoping to find someone to fulfill your heart’s desire, to tell you that you are smart enough or to give you the courage to live the life you were meant to live then you are following the wrong brick road. It is likely you will attract someone just like you–confused, empty and in search of someone to fill what is missing in themselves.
* Come out, come out wherever you are… If you are a mermaid then date mermen. If you try to date a human, things will get complicated. Do not go looking for love in all the wrong places. If you want to get married or be in a committed relationship then find someone who wants that as well. If you are into casual dating, polyamory, kink or BDSM then find someone with whom you can live happily ever after. It matters not what you choose as long you all agree to go down the same rabbit hole.
* Honesty is the best policy… Well, you know what happens when you lie. Lies keep growing until they are as plain as the nose on your face. Start by being honest with yourself. Do not pretend to be someone you are not just to impress or manipulate someone else. As in the Pinocchio story, you will make a jackass of yourself and it will certainly not lead to a happy ending.
* Mirror, mirror on the wall…Dealing with your past is critical, especially if you had a wicked stepmother. Your love potion contains not only all the positive but also all the negative traits of your family of origin. I bet you wish there were toads and beetles in there instead. So, he may ride in on his white stallion and sweep you off your feet or she may be wearing the crown of a princess but eventually the spell will wear off and you will each unwittingly step into the trap of one another’s unresolved childhood wounds. Who-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Tired of kissing frogs… Heal the warts left by your ex’s before riding off into the sunset with your new love. Say good bye to all of them… Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey and we might as well throw in Peter Pan, Wendy, Alice, Jiminy and Tinker Bell. You thought a pea under the mattress was uncomfortable. There is nothing like a bed haunted by the ghosts of Christmas past. Find forgiveness–for them and for yourself so you can wake to a bright and sunny day.
So, what is the moral of the story? “There is no place like home.”
Be happy in your own body, home and life. Become the love you desire. Love generously, graciously and gratefully. Then notice the people you attract. Your special person will be able to appreciate and honor the sparkly new you.
Are you ready for that kind of change? Then listen to your ‘Fairy Godmother’. Do not keep wandering around in the dark looking for love. Follow my suggestions. I know this is easier said than done but there is no beautiful princess waiting for you to wake her from a deep sleep or knight in shinning armor coming to rescue you from an unhappy life. You have to be your own knight or princess.
Want more? Growth and healing takes work but can also be fun so join me in a workshop or in the office. I would be happy to help. Check out the ‘Keeping the Love You Find’ workshop in San Diego on September 7th & 8th for individuals committed to their own happily ever after.
If you have already found love but want to deepen your connection then either the ‘Getting the Love you Want’ or the ‘Recovering Our Connection’ workshops are for you. Want some individual attention? I’m a phone call away.
I want to leave you with one final piece of advice for bringing joy into your life…
Whistle while you work!